First, let's say something important: if your child is having frequent, intense challenging behaviors, it is not your fault. It is not a parenting failure. Challenging behavior is almost always communication your child is trying to tell you something and doesn't yet have a better way to do it.
Understanding that changes everything about how you respond.
What challenging behavior usually is
In ABA, we look at behavior through a lens called the "function" the reason the behavior is happening. Almost all challenging behavior falls into one of four functions: getting attention, getting access to something desired, avoiding or escaping something unpleasant, or automatic sensory stimulation.
Before you can reduce a behavior, you have to understand what it's communicating. A tantrum to avoid a transition and a tantrum to get attention require completely different responses.
The biggest mistake parents make
Accidentally reinforcing the behavior they want to reduce. This happens constantly and it's completely understandable it's instinctive to give a child what they're asking for to stop the behavior. But if a tantrum reliably produces what the child wants, the tantrum becomes a tool. It works. So it continues.
This doesn't mean you should ignore your child. It means learning to respond to the communication without reinforcing the challenging way it's being delivered.
What actually helps
Stay calm. Your emotional state directly affects your child's behavior. Take a breath. Lower your voice. Get to their level.
Don't negotiate in the middle of a meltdown. When a child is escalated, they cannot process information or make decisions. Wait for the storm to pass before problem-solving.
Look for the pattern. When does this happen? What immediately precedes it? What usually follows? The pattern tells you the function and the function tells you how to respond.
Teach an alternative. If your child screams to get your attention, the goal isn't just to stop the screaming it's to teach them a better way to get your attention. Then consistently reinforce that better way.
When to ask for help
If challenging behaviors are happening daily, are intense or dangerous, or are significantly affecting family life that's the moment to get a professional involved. A BCBA can conduct a functional behavior assessment to identify the exact function of the behavior and create a plan that actually addresses the root cause.
You don't have to figure this out alone. That's what we're here for.